3rd time is NOT a charm

Its is over. 5 weeks and 1 day in and it is already over.

I went to bed last night with come pain/cramping but it did not seem too unusual and since it was not accompanied by bleeding, I did not worry. This morning, I woke up to the same discomfort and when I got up to go to the bathroom, I saw blood. Lots and lots of bright red blood. HUge clots too like before when I took the mesoprostol. As today progressed, the cramps and the bleeding continue full force. I called the doctor's office at about 10 am and talked to her answering service. She put me on hold saying that this deserved a call to the doctor. I knew there was nothing Dr. W could do but I was pleased with the urgency of the operator. Then, Dr. W. came on the line. She asked what was going on. I told her the story. She said she was so sorry and even surprised as my betas were looking good the week prior. She told me that I should come in to her office on Monday and we would talk about next steps. She quickly mentioned an infertility specialist and maybe even IVF to have only healthy embryos in me. We shall see.

I am so frustrated and sad and angry. Robbie and I went to Friday night services for the first time in over 6 years last night. It was a beautiful outdoor service. They do a really nice prayer for healing (that I had never heard before) and I even said my name out loud (although quietly) hoping that G-d would hear me and make this time The Time... needless to say, that did not work. I am starting to really wonder about how life works. People get to have multiple children before people who want then get to have one. It really just is not fair.

So here I am again. The third f-ing time is not a charm. I really thought this was it. But now, at least, I get to have some real research done. Three times puts you in that category of not longer just having bad luck. Three times makes it something that doctors react to. So maybe this time, I will get some answers. The challenge will be that this time (just as the first) I will not have any pathology done. The first because a first miscarriage is so common that they do not test. And this because it happened at home and for the most part, was flushed down the toilet. This was the first miscarriage of mine where it happened naturally. So perhaps that means something.

I sure as heck don't.

3rd time's a charm

Well... I am pregnant...again!
Yes, that's right. The 3rd time better be a big charm.

After the second miscarriage, we were told by my OB to wait 2 cycles before trying again. S0 after the second month, we were back in the baby-making routine. This time however, it was not as easy. Two long months passed by with no success. Of course with each of those two months, the infamous phantom symptoms came too. I was hungry, dizzy, tired. Each month I thought I was pregnant. But of course, my period eventually came. During most of those 2 months, I think I went a little bizurk. I did a lot crying. I mean A LOT. It felt like my life could not progress unless I got pregnant. As much as I tried to focus on other things, I could not. I even had several friends even tell me that I needed to relax. Easy for them to say right?

So somewhere amongst traveling to Indiana for work, and a surprise visit to Sonora as my mom was in the hospital (again), we made it work. It was the first month that I knew I was NOT pregnant. Go figure. I had finally decided it was OK. That one month was not a huge length od time and that life had to go on. It must have been that small bit of stress relief that I allowed my body to feel that did the trick. Robbie and I looked back at my charts for the two months I got pregnant and noticed some similarities. We also saw that it was day 14 past ovulatino that I got positive test those months so we I decided that on Tuesday, August 18, I could test in the morning. After a night that mimicked the night before a trip to Disneyland as a kid (the kind where you are too excited to sleep) I tested. And like magic - there were my two pink lines! Robbie and were obviously excited but this time around, a little less vocal about it. We both a re just nervous and do not want to get too attached until we know more. I tested again using a digital the next morning to "make sure." But of course it is just super fun to see the word, "pregnant."

So that day, I went and had blood work to confirm my positive test at home. I wanted to have both my HCG and my progesterone levels checked. The next day, around noon, the Dr.'s Office called me. I of course was pregant and my HCG level was 68.8 and progesterone was normal (13). So I quietly celebrated the rest of the day while I was at work. Thursday, I went back in to have my HCG levels tested again as they are supposed to double every 48 hours during the start of the 1st trimester. Today (48 hrs later) the Dr.'s Office called again with good news. HCG was 159.7. They more than doubled.

This has all happened at just the right time, as today is my BIRTHDAY! I needed a birthday present like this. I am trying to stay so positive and just live life as stress free as possible. According to all the websites, I am 4 weeks and 1 day pregant today and my estimated delivery date (EDD) is April 30, 2010.

I am thrilled to have a reason to blog again. Tomorrow Robbie is taking my to San Francisco for brunch and to see Wicked. I plan to have him take a few photos of me then, to capture the 4 week "bloat."

In the meantime, here are some pictures of our fur-baby. We took her to Santa Cruz last month and she loved the ocean. Oh and a picture from Robbie's 30th birthday dinner.

Just waiting...

Nothing extremely eventful to write about these days. My previous post about my cycle arriving was correct and Robbie and I spent the last week "doing what we needed to do" to try to conceive this month. According to my charting site, I ovulated on Wednesday, 2/25/09 so right now we are four days post ovulation. I can start testing at the earliest next weekend. That will be interesting becuase next weekend, I am traveling to San Diego with MVHS Winterguard for a competition. I guess I can take the tests with me... or I can wait until I get back. As you all know, I am not the most patient person so I am guessing, I will take a test with me.

It's here!

I think.

I know it has been a really long time since I written. In fact almost a month. But really, there has been little to discuss. Life has been moving on at a reasonable pace. Every single I think about what happened and have a moment of sadness. I still do not understanf why it happened to me. But hnestly, what can I do not but move on.

So today was a great, big, gigantic aid in the process. I think my period is finally here. It is so funny to go from hoping you do not get your period to wishing it would come already. It had been 26 days since the D& C and over 40 days since the mesoprostal and initial bleeding. I am so excited. I had my follow up appoint with the Dr. a couple of weeks back and she said everything "looked" good. I just had to wait for my 'p' to show. I laughed asked her how I would know if it was here seeing as though I had spent so many days bleeding. She said I would "know." And if course I do. To spare you the gross details, it is different from the post procedure stuff. On top of that, I was a huge b*tch to Robbie over the weekend and I have been hungrier than usual. All typical signs for me, that "it" was on its way.

I was given a gift certificate a long time ago from a friend at work as a thank you for pet sitting while she was on vacation. Somehow I had decided that it was to be used to celebrate something. At the time I was not sure what. Well when we got new of the miscarriage, I took it out of my wallet and told Robbie that we would save it until I got my period. The only next opportunity to celebrate I could think of at the moment. So when I dicovered "it" after it work, it was one of the 1st things I thought of.... going out to dinner with my hubby. A little pathetic but whatever.

So of course my mind went nuts thinking about babies again. And if we were to (G-d willing) conceive this time around, the baby would be due mid-November. Just in time to have something really wonderful to be thankful for at Thanksgiving. I hate to get my hopes up so of course I calculated the next cycle too...The put the due date the week before the holidays. Not too bad either. Having a baby on Christmas would not be that great but beggers cannot be choosers right??

Life goes on...it has to

It has been a while since I posted. Life has been full of doctor's appointments, crying and all over lethargy. But after I recap for you what has been going on, this blog will (hopefully) be full of positive thoughts... most of the time... as I cannot spend forever dwelling on this horrible experience.

So to catch you up, after took the meds to induce bleeding, I, well, I bled. A lot. I went in for an ultrasound and was told that there was still evidence of tissue, blood etc. and that the process did not finish. By this point, Robbie and I had already decided that we did not like this Medical office. I had yet to see a doctor and we felt like our sisutation warranted one. So anyway, the nurse suggested that I take another dose of the same meds and that that, should cause the rest of lining to come out. Robbie and I talked and decided that taking more invasive meds did not seem like the best option. So after asking some friends for OBGYN referral, I found a new doctor. My co-worker gave rave reviews and the reviews online were great as well. She practices with her father in a small office in Mountain View. So when (notice I did not say "if) I get pregnant again, I will see her or her father. And no one else.

So she was kind enough to talk to me over the phone, even before my first appointment. She said that her office did not use the meds I as given by the other office as they often lead to bleeding issues. DUH! So she wanted me to come in and have blood work done, another ultrasound and then an appointment with her to talk.

So Monday of last week I had bloodwork... and Tuesday an ultrasound. By Tuesday afternoon, I got a call from the new Doctor. She said that there was still a large amount of endomitrium and lots of clots and blood. Her recommendation was to have a D&C. Robbie and went in to meet her and dicsuss this on Wednesday. She was great! I felt comfortable with her and she was very thorough. So in the end, we decided to continue with the D&C as planned. I was able to get an appointment on the very next day at 8:45 am.

On my home fmro the Wednesday appointment (Robbie and I took two cars so we could both go straight to work) I began to get strong, cramps. So painful that I actually had to pull over on the side of the road. I sat there for a few minutes and decided that they were not getting any better and that I needed to get home. I drove myself home in extreme pain. That was the beginning to a very long afternoon. On a pain scale of 1-10... I was an 11. I was crying, screeming and really just freaking out. I was in so much pain that I threw up all over the bathroom. I made Robbie come home from work as I truly did not know what to do. He called the doctor to see what to do. She said since I had eatan already today, I could not go in for an emergency D&C so the best bet was to take the vicoton she prescribed for after the surgery. Robbie ran over to the pharmacy and picked it up. At this point it was about 3 pm (my appoinment that morning was at 10 am). I took the pill and waited. It took over an hour for any relief to kick in. By then, mom had arrived and I was feeling good. From 4:30 pm on, I had NO PAIN. Bizarre.

Thursday morning, we drove to the hospital. The procedure went fine. The doctor said that everything went great and that I should see just a little bleeding for the next 2 weeks. We went home and I slept the rest of the day. Friday I felt great. No pain at all. Emotionally I was a wreck. I think it was a reality check that this was finally over and that any "baby" that was in there was now gone.

Saturday, Robbie and I had a great day. We went out to breakfast, saw a movie (Curious Case of Benjamin Button) and went for a long walk with Tillee. I will not lie and say that the day went without tears. Both Robbie and I shed our fair share of tears. But in the end it was a good day.

Today is Sunday. I really want this new week to be a good one. I know myself well enough that I know I need a focus. I need something to think about. Something to plan. Something to take my mind off off everything I do not want to think about. For a while this was the wedding, then the house, then being pregnant. I decided the only real thing I could "plan" now, was being healthy. I decided that I am being given a second chance to be healthy and fit while I am pregnant. I want to lose a few pounds before I get pregnant again. And seeing that I do not know when I will get my period again, I really do not know how long it will be. I also know that It is not likely that I will get pregnant again after my next cycle. But a girl can dream right?

So today we woke up and went to the gym. And hour on the circuit machine, lifting and doing some minor cardio. It felt really good. I ate well too. Then went and got a pedicure which was way over due.

And here I am. 19 days after we got out horrible news. But life had to go on. I cannot cry forever. I cannot be mad forever. There is nothing good that will come of it.

So here's hoping that the next few posts will be about feeling healthy... and perhaps needing some new jeans =)

Another day

Luckily, I had two weeks off for the holidays. That worked out well last week when there was no way I was going to go to work after getting the news. I was able to sit on the couch Wednesday, Thursday and Friday and do just about nothing. Mom came into town to comfort me and to help Robbie with stuff around the house. It was great to have her here. It has been a long time since I needed my mommy to take care of me.

Saturday was the very first day I walked out the front door. Not becuase I wanted to, but becuase I had a rehearsal with the winterguard team that I just could not miss. That went well. I sat down with my leaders and told them what had happened in hopes that they would help keep order at rehearsal and make sure that no one got on my nerves. It was nice to have a few hours where my mind had to be on something else. I came home that night and again just moped. I have been able to cry at the drop of a dime and everywhere I looked there was something pregnancy or baby affiliated. In the past, that wa my favorite thing to see. But not anymore.

Sunday was nice, some friends of our stopped over in the evening to take my mind off of things. It was the first time I told the story without crying. I guess that was a breakthrough.Yesterday was my first day back at work. I knew that it would be horrible but I really had no choice. My plac was to tell my boss as soon as I could. I knew that she had gone through a miscarriage in the past and was hoping for some empathy. When she got in I pulled her into an empty conference room to chat. Before I even sat my tush on the chair I was in tears. She and I talked for a while and she reminded me that she now has a healthy 2 year old. Everyone seems to have a story or know someone with a story. That does not seem to make it any better. I some how made it through the entire day of work.

Today I had my follow up ultrasound to make sure that everything had exited my system. The experience today solidified Robbie and my decision to find a new OB/Office. There just was not enough concern for what I am going through and I have yet to even see (not to mention talk) to a doctor. The ultrasound tech said it appeared as all major tissue had come out and that there seemed to be just a bit more blood. I should expect that in the near future. I really have not had any bleeding since the initial day... only little bits of borwn spotting. (TMI know but if you even know this blog exists, then you are likely close enough to me that you do not even care).

We asked of the nurse or anyone would follow up with us after this appointment. They said no news is good news. What the *$#@ does that mean? None of this is good news and I want someone to talk to me about next steps...what to expect etc. So needless to say, when I got home today after the appointment, I found a new OB and have an appointment scheduled for next week.

Emotionally, I am feeling a bit better today. I worked from home after the appointment and even watched 3 hours of the Baby Story in TLC. No this was not my first choice but daytime television is not great. I shed a few tears, but I did that before right?

I am so sad

Just in case anyone was not sure... I am sad and miserable and really do not know what to do with myself right now. This is the most frustrating thing ever. And the fact I have no control over any of it make it even worse.

I have no idea when I will get my period again...I have no idea how long it will take to get pregnant again once I do. And I have no idea how viable that pregnancy will be if and when it ever happens.

I hate everything about this.

No baby

I am not sure if I could think of a worse way to spend New Year's Eve. Dec. 31, 2008 was our 1st OB appointment. Robbie and I were so excited to see the doctor and finally get to hear a heartbeat. I actually got "dressed up" (I put on make up) and was so excited to get to the appointment. At this point I was 9 weeks and 4 days.

When we got there, we spent over an hour with the NP learning all the do's and don'ts of being pregnant, talked in great length about my medical history etc. Since it had been over a yr since my last annual exam, we started with that first. No big deal. The nurse told me that I had cells spilling out of my cervex. This was nothing to be worried about, other than the fact that I would likely see some spotting later in the evening and it was nothing to be worried about.

Them came the ultrasound. Because of how early on I was in the pregnancy, they did an internal US. She inserted the wand and silently looked around for what felt like hours. Finally I asked her if she was having trouble finding hat she was looking for. She told me that she as not seeing anything. I immediately looked at Robbie's face to see how he was interpretting that bit of information. After a few more minutes of looking around, she stopped. She pulled the wand out and told us that there are two things happening. One, was that our dates are off and I was not as far along as I thought. Or two, that the baby stopped developing early on. At that moment I knew that my worst fears had come true. Becuase I was charting my ovulation, I knew exactly when I was fertile, when I ovulated and when we conceived. So option one was not what had happened.

Just to be sure, she took Robbie and I next door to see the ultrasound technician who supposedly had better equipment. So I again undressed and prepared for the ultrasound. Robbie and I were in this tiny room along with the technician and the NP. The way the room was set up, I was given a mirror to hold so that I could see the monitor. Robbie, and the other twon stared at the screen. After several minuted of silence, the tech showed the nurse where my plecenta was already detatching where there was the tiniest remnants of a yolk sack. The embryo was barely measuring 3-4 weeks. I was in tears this whole time knowing that there was no good news coming from this.

After I cleaned up and redressed, Robbie and I sat down with the NP again to discuss what happened and next steps. She told us that these types of miscarriages are medical mysteries and no one knows why they happen. That it had nothing to do with anything I did or did not do. She told us that this in no way prevents another viable pregnancy. The statistics we were given were that 20% of all pregnancies end in miscarriage but typically thay happen by week 5 or six.

The confusing part was that my body continued to grow and react as if there was still a growing baby in there. I was gaining weight. My breasts were huge (yes even bigger than normal) and I never had signs of miscarriage like bleeding, cramping etc.

At this point, we had to discuss what to do next as the placenta, and other fluids needed to get out of my body. I was given three choices.

1: Wait it out. Eventually, I would naturally bleed it out on my own. This option was not for me as I hate waiting and I was told the blood flow would be extremely heavy and it could catch me off guard at work etc.

2: Insert some medicine vaginally that would force the bleeding. The nurse said this would cause extremely painful cramping and I would bleed for most of the day.

3. Come back and had a doctor perform and D&C (dilation and curettage). This is a procedure where where they would dilate my cervix, and then vaccuum out the placenta and other remains. I just did not like the sound of this and although it would be quick, it scared the you know what out of me.

So I chose option 2. Luckily they had the medication in the office so I did not have to go to the pharmacy and pick it up. I asked when I we could start trying to conceive again. She said that once this bleeding taked place, I would then have to wait for my next period. After that we are free to try.

So we left the office, I called my mom in tears. She immediately ddrove down. That night I inserted the meds and went to bed. I waited all night for the pain to set in. Nothing. I finally woke up in the AM and still no sign og pain or bleeding. I finally got out of bed and went to the the bathroom. I think it was gravity setting in that caused the first gush of blood. It was pretty crazy. WARNING: TMI Coming
I was bleeding out clots the size of golf balls on a consistent basis. I had to resort to wearing pads and ran into the bathroom every 30 mins all morning to do my thing. The good news though, is that I was still to experience NO PAIN. All day I bled. Finally at about 4 pm, it slowed down and I was able to sit on the couch peacefully and watch crappy television.

Today, I am still not bleeding and still in no pain. I have an ultrasound scheduled for Tuesday of next week to ensure that everything "came out ok".

What a horrible experience. I never thought I would go through this. Each and everytime I went to the bathroom over the last 10 weeks, I would check to make sure there was not spotting. Everytime I was good and I eventually was able to relax knowing that my pregnancy was going smoothly. Now, IN reflection, I wonder of this is why I never had morning sickness. They say that kicks in by week 6 or so but it I lost the baby back in week 4, I would never had it.

I am not a patient person. I cannot event stand the thought of having to wait G-d knows how long until I get my period. It could come in 4 weeks or it could take months. There is no way to know. I had my whole life planned out. And now I have nothing. I made my mom go buy me a big plastic tub to put all of the baby stuff I have already accumulated. Books, the first maternity clothing I bought (on sale) and some early gifts I got for Chanukah. I had to have it immediately boxed up and out of my sight. That was really hard. This baby was all I thought about for 2 months. Making the baby was all I though about for the 2 months before that. And now here I am. Back to square one. No pregnancy, no August baby and not even a menstrual cycle. Just a trashcan full of pads, an bright red nose from all the crying and this horrible feeling in my gut that makes it impossible to think of anything other than this.