No baby

I am not sure if I could think of a worse way to spend New Year's Eve. Dec. 31, 2008 was our 1st OB appointment. Robbie and I were so excited to see the doctor and finally get to hear a heartbeat. I actually got "dressed up" (I put on make up) and was so excited to get to the appointment. At this point I was 9 weeks and 4 days.

When we got there, we spent over an hour with the NP learning all the do's and don'ts of being pregnant, talked in great length about my medical history etc. Since it had been over a yr since my last annual exam, we started with that first. No big deal. The nurse told me that I had cells spilling out of my cervex. This was nothing to be worried about, other than the fact that I would likely see some spotting later in the evening and it was nothing to be worried about.

Them came the ultrasound. Because of how early on I was in the pregnancy, they did an internal US. She inserted the wand and silently looked around for what felt like hours. Finally I asked her if she was having trouble finding hat she was looking for. She told me that she as not seeing anything. I immediately looked at Robbie's face to see how he was interpretting that bit of information. After a few more minutes of looking around, she stopped. She pulled the wand out and told us that there are two things happening. One, was that our dates are off and I was not as far along as I thought. Or two, that the baby stopped developing early on. At that moment I knew that my worst fears had come true. Becuase I was charting my ovulation, I knew exactly when I was fertile, when I ovulated and when we conceived. So option one was not what had happened.

Just to be sure, she took Robbie and I next door to see the ultrasound technician who supposedly had better equipment. So I again undressed and prepared for the ultrasound. Robbie and I were in this tiny room along with the technician and the NP. The way the room was set up, I was given a mirror to hold so that I could see the monitor. Robbie, and the other twon stared at the screen. After several minuted of silence, the tech showed the nurse where my plecenta was already detatching where there was the tiniest remnants of a yolk sack. The embryo was barely measuring 3-4 weeks. I was in tears this whole time knowing that there was no good news coming from this.

After I cleaned up and redressed, Robbie and I sat down with the NP again to discuss what happened and next steps. She told us that these types of miscarriages are medical mysteries and no one knows why they happen. That it had nothing to do with anything I did or did not do. She told us that this in no way prevents another viable pregnancy. The statistics we were given were that 20% of all pregnancies end in miscarriage but typically thay happen by week 5 or six.

The confusing part was that my body continued to grow and react as if there was still a growing baby in there. I was gaining weight. My breasts were huge (yes even bigger than normal) and I never had signs of miscarriage like bleeding, cramping etc.

At this point, we had to discuss what to do next as the placenta, and other fluids needed to get out of my body. I was given three choices.

1: Wait it out. Eventually, I would naturally bleed it out on my own. This option was not for me as I hate waiting and I was told the blood flow would be extremely heavy and it could catch me off guard at work etc.

2: Insert some medicine vaginally that would force the bleeding. The nurse said this would cause extremely painful cramping and I would bleed for most of the day.

3. Come back and had a doctor perform and D&C (dilation and curettage). This is a procedure where where they would dilate my cervix, and then vaccuum out the placenta and other remains. I just did not like the sound of this and although it would be quick, it scared the you know what out of me.

So I chose option 2. Luckily they had the medication in the office so I did not have to go to the pharmacy and pick it up. I asked when I we could start trying to conceive again. She said that once this bleeding taked place, I would then have to wait for my next period. After that we are free to try.

So we left the office, I called my mom in tears. She immediately ddrove down. That night I inserted the meds and went to bed. I waited all night for the pain to set in. Nothing. I finally woke up in the AM and still no sign og pain or bleeding. I finally got out of bed and went to the the bathroom. I think it was gravity setting in that caused the first gush of blood. It was pretty crazy. WARNING: TMI Coming
I was bleeding out clots the size of golf balls on a consistent basis. I had to resort to wearing pads and ran into the bathroom every 30 mins all morning to do my thing. The good news though, is that I was still to experience NO PAIN. All day I bled. Finally at about 4 pm, it slowed down and I was able to sit on the couch peacefully and watch crappy television.

Today, I am still not bleeding and still in no pain. I have an ultrasound scheduled for Tuesday of next week to ensure that everything "came out ok".

What a horrible experience. I never thought I would go through this. Each and everytime I went to the bathroom over the last 10 weeks, I would check to make sure there was not spotting. Everytime I was good and I eventually was able to relax knowing that my pregnancy was going smoothly. Now, IN reflection, I wonder of this is why I never had morning sickness. They say that kicks in by week 6 or so but it I lost the baby back in week 4, I would never had it.

I am not a patient person. I cannot event stand the thought of having to wait G-d knows how long until I get my period. It could come in 4 weeks or it could take months. There is no way to know. I had my whole life planned out. And now I have nothing. I made my mom go buy me a big plastic tub to put all of the baby stuff I have already accumulated. Books, the first maternity clothing I bought (on sale) and some early gifts I got for Chanukah. I had to have it immediately boxed up and out of my sight. That was really hard. This baby was all I thought about for 2 months. Making the baby was all I though about for the 2 months before that. And now here I am. Back to square one. No pregnancy, no August baby and not even a menstrual cycle. Just a trashcan full of pads, an bright red nose from all the crying and this horrible feeling in my gut that makes it impossible to think of anything other than this.