3rd time is NOT a charm

Its is over. 5 weeks and 1 day in and it is already over.

I went to bed last night with come pain/cramping but it did not seem too unusual and since it was not accompanied by bleeding, I did not worry. This morning, I woke up to the same discomfort and when I got up to go to the bathroom, I saw blood. Lots and lots of bright red blood. HUge clots too like before when I took the mesoprostol. As today progressed, the cramps and the bleeding continue full force. I called the doctor's office at about 10 am and talked to her answering service. She put me on hold saying that this deserved a call to the doctor. I knew there was nothing Dr. W could do but I was pleased with the urgency of the operator. Then, Dr. W. came on the line. She asked what was going on. I told her the story. She said she was so sorry and even surprised as my betas were looking good the week prior. She told me that I should come in to her office on Monday and we would talk about next steps. She quickly mentioned an infertility specialist and maybe even IVF to have only healthy embryos in me. We shall see.

I am so frustrated and sad and angry. Robbie and I went to Friday night services for the first time in over 6 years last night. It was a beautiful outdoor service. They do a really nice prayer for healing (that I had never heard before) and I even said my name out loud (although quietly) hoping that G-d would hear me and make this time The Time... needless to say, that did not work. I am starting to really wonder about how life works. People get to have multiple children before people who want then get to have one. It really just is not fair.

So here I am again. The third f-ing time is not a charm. I really thought this was it. But now, at least, I get to have some real research done. Three times puts you in that category of not longer just having bad luck. Three times makes it something that doctors react to. So maybe this time, I will get some answers. The challenge will be that this time (just as the first) I will not have any pathology done. The first because a first miscarriage is so common that they do not test. And this because it happened at home and for the most part, was flushed down the toilet. This was the first miscarriage of mine where it happened naturally. So perhaps that means something.

I sure as heck don't.